“One of the most difficult things I’ve ever done in my whole life was leaving the hospital without my daughter…”
I celebrated my 22nd birthday on a Tuesday and found out I was pregnant the next Monday. This was not good news. My relationship with the baby’s father was full of drama – we were always breaking up and getting back together and neither of us had steady jobs. After I showed him the pregnancy test and the two pink lines (crap!) we were determined to make our relationship work. Things were actually pretty good between us for a while, but we of course started fighting again. I realized that we were not going to be able to be good parents to this little girl. I thought about abortion and actually made an appointment at PP, which I never showed up for. I already loved her and just couldn’t walk in there.
My best friend at the time had an aunt who worked at an adoption agency in Southern California, so I called them to find out what adoption was all about. I don’t know exactly why, but I never felt comfortable with the agency. The man assigned to help me was super nice, but I think I always felt like a number. He sent me a giant box full of forms to fill out and booklets of information about different families. I got overwhelmed and just sort of froze up. I think I was in denial for a while after that because I let almost three months go by and just did nothing, which is never a good way to deal with your problems! My mom kept bugging me about my decision, but I did a really good job of blowing her off.
Finally, when I was almost 7 months pregnant, I randomly started talking to this woman in the bathroom at a concert. She had her baby with her and told me that they had just adopted him from Texas. I very casually asked her about the agency she worked with and she gave me the number for Celeste. I called the next morning and met with her at my house that afternoon. Everything felt different after that. I told Celeste what I wanted in a family – there were certain things that were very, very important to me and I worried that I wouldn’t be able to find a family that I really liked. I didn’t want to just be fine with the family, I wanted to feel great about them.
I narrowed my choices down to three families and met them all in person at Celeste’s office. I was exhausted by the end of that day. By the weekend, I had chosen the family and the plan was in place. My stress level went way, way down.
My baby girl was born almost a month early. I spent time with her in the hospital which I highly recommend doing. One of the most difficult things I’ve ever done in my whole life was leaving the hospital without my daughter. It helped knowing that I would be seeing her again in a few months. My parents both had a hard time too, but they love the family who adopted her.
My life has changed so much since the adoption. I’m now married…and pregnant! We actually just bought a condo. I’m still in contact with the adoptive parents (though not as often as in the beginning) and they keep me updated about my daughter’s life, which helps a lot. I know they are open to letting me visit again when I’m ready, but I haven’t wanted to in the last few years.
People sometimes ask me if I regret my decision, since I’m now married, stable and have a job. I get frustrated by that question because I can’t compare my circumstances now to how they were 6 years ago. Back then, I had to deal with the reality of how my life was when I got pregnant. I wasn’t stable and was in a bad relationship. So my answer is NO! I’ll never regret the sacrifice I made to give my daughter the gift of her adoptive parents and sisters.